How Women End Up With Eating Disorders

Or at least seriously warped views of their body image.

As I've posted before, I've been losing weight. I'm about mid-way through my planned weight loss. And I'm a former size 2/4 who, between age, grief, and complacency, ultimately gained 20 pounds and found myself in formerly incomprehensible sizes.

But I'm halfway to being "myself" again.

And I'm pretty happy with how far I've gotten.

So. I'm doing a show as a favor. And I bring in the only appropriate dress I have for a costume, and even thought to myself "hey, I can finally wear this dress again." It'll look better in another 10 lbs lost, but it's fine now.

I will not post the director's exact words to me, but suffice it to say the gist of it was "That dress is too tight, you look bad."

Stunned castmates said "wow, and I was about to tell you that I like that dress on you!"

I bring out another dress. A dress I bought out of necessity, at my heaviest. It's actually getting a bit too big now, though it's still a nice dress. So what do I get told? The same thing.

Director can't begin to figure out why I'm upset. Says she's just trying to make me look good on stage. Brings me another dress, a size TOO BIG for me ... and proclaims that I look beautiful.

What is the lesson here? That I'm bigger than I think I am, that I clearly have no clue as to how I really look to the world at large, and oh yeah, that it's MUCH better to hide under big clothing than to let myself be seen ... at least until I'm a size 4 again.

The next day I realized ... that after that incident, I had hardly eaten. It wasn't intentional; I didn't deliberately think "I need to lose more weight! I'm fat!" But I'm sure somewhere in my subconscious mind, the two things were connected.

I seriously understand how women end up with distorted body images.

Juice Addiction

When I first came out to LA, someone was all excited about taking me to a Jamba Juice. And I politely steered them in a more appropriate direction ... like coffee. Juice? I'm from the land of coffee and Coca-Cola. Juice??? Angelenos and their wacky healthy options. (insert eye roll here)

I am now a convert and, I dare say, an addict.

It started slowly. At school, the kids get pizze and jamba juice once a week; faculty gets any leftovers. It was only recently that I started availing myself of this opportunity - and suddenly it became a necessity. An obsession, even.

But then came the stomach flu. The evil one. I mean, I guess they're all evil, but lordy this was exceptional. And when I was finally able to start tolerating liquids, I wanted juice - and lots of it. And when I could start adding food, I still wanted juice. And when after a week or so I was ready for my morning coffee, I still didn't want coffee in the afternoon or evening - just juice. And when after that I was ready to bring Coke back into my life (and no, unlike many southerners I don't call all soft drinks Coke - only Coke is Coke, and the rest is crap) ... I found I only wanted just a little sip with my meal, and then I'd just want juice again. Or smoothies. MMMMMMMMM.

It's been over a month. I think these new healthier habits are sticking. It's weird, I gotta say. I remember how excited I was when a Coffee Bean moved in within walking distance of my office. Now I wish a smoothie place would move in too.

Dogs Rule

Just got back last night after a six day absence. Waldo was so overjoyed he did quite the little happy dance, jumping and running in circles and giving us puppy kisses and doing his little figure eights around the room ...

Now that's a homecoming.

Anyway, I will post more soon about the trip to Philly. I had actually intended to blog while there, but there was one computer, and it was on dial-up, and I couldn't even pull up the blogger site and see everything I needed to see.

Curses. Foiled again.