Last night I mourned.

Nearly two weeks after my friend Charlyn died, I finally let myself feel it.

When I first got the call, Maria and I cried ... but only briefly, because it was really hard to talk through that. Plus old habits kick in and we both dealt with it the best we could: change of subject and laughter.

I had hoped I could make the service. I know a last-minute flight anywhere can be problematic, but I suspect fewer flights to NO post-Katrina didn't aid in that. So, not an option.

Those of us who went to college together and are out here in LA decided it might be wise to have some sort of memorial here. Closure. Something. I thought maybe then I could finally feel something, because it still doesn't feel real to me.

I'm not sure what I expected or hoped for, but what I got was an afternoon of six old friends getting together, catching up and reminiscing. Which is a beautiful thing, and frankly something we should do more often, but ... not necessarily what I needed.

I left there still not feeling much of anything, and I had an opportunity to meet Dick for dinner with some friends (our friend John's birthday dinner), so I thought - why not? I had left it open in case I was emotionally drained and just didn't feel like it, but since I wasn't feeling anything, I may as well have dinner.

I'm not sure what happened. I can't explain it. All I know is that I started feeling out of place. Disconnected. And after appetizers I had to excuse myself and leave. In the parking lot, I lost it. And finally all of the grief came rushing out.

Charlyn was such a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Of course, all of the Ahmed women are or were - definitely some good DNA there. She was - at least in the early days of our little group - the glue that held us together.

She was smart, and funny, and oh my gosh could be stubborn. She was a true-blue loyal friend, and you were always glad she was on your side. I was all of 16 years old when I met her, and she never treated me as a kid.

I don't understand why she had to get sick. I don't understand why she had to go so young. I don't understand why we can put a man on the moon but can't stop cancer from spreading.

I'm sad and angry and a hundred other things. But feeling is so much healthier than the alternative.

Daytime Emmy Nominations

OK, so clearly, between the depressing news that comes from New Orleans every day, and the "in memory of" post yesterday, it's fairly obvious that I've got a lot of heavy stuff on my mind.

But I'm not dealing with that today. I'm not ready to deal with that yet.

Light. Fluffy. It's award season!

I may be one of the only people I know who gives a rat's ass about Daytime. But I grew up on soaps and I still love 'em, warts and all.

Some years, the nominations are boring. Same old, same old, yawn. Some years, they're insane. When there are so many amazing daytime actors, how a pretty face with minimal talent (on a good day!) can get a nod for *acting* just sort of floors me. Pretty face with no talent employed on daytime? Sure. But to claim they're among the creme de la creme? Shudder.

But this year ... there were some that have me cheering. No, worse: unable to know who to root for. Because some of the nominees are SO worthy.

Lead Actress: I'm so thrilled that Bobbie Eakes got a nod for ALL MY CHILDREN. She's talented, sexy, funny ... and oh yeah, over 40. She rocks.

Lead Actor: Ok, in retrospect, this category is one of the same-old same-old, but I have a soft spot for Thorsten Kaye on AMC ... and, inexplicably, Tony Geary on GH.

Supporting Actress: This is tough. I adore Jennifer Ferrin on AS THE WORLD TURNS, but Renee Goldsberry on ONE LIFE is pretty amazing - and I hardly ever watch that show! Either one would be an excellent choice.

Supporting Actor: OMG, someone recognized - on a major level - the incredible talent of Trent Dawson (ATWT). Maybe I'm biased because he's a Louisiana boy, but for a non-hunk guy (even a brilliant, talented, hilarious one) to be adored by fans on a soap is huge all by itself. But for voters to agree? Yay!!!!! Yes Grayson McCouch, also of ATWT, is also brilliant, in a sexier, hunkier way, so he's my second favorite, but ... yay Trent!

Younger Actress: Jennifer Landon (yes, Michael's daughter) also of ATWT is a bright light. She's one of the actresses that's going places. You know, you watch her and just know she's going to be one of these big-time actresses who "started on soaps". That said, Leven Rambin of AMC is an equally bright light (and also was moonlighting on the short-lived BOOK OF DANIEL). Decisions, decisions ...

Younger Actor: No contest for me here, Jesse Lee Soffer - again of ATWT - plays opposite Jennifer Landon and they're a young super-couple waiting to happen. Usually it takes new actors some time to warm up into their roles. His first day, I just stared at the TV wondering "who IS this guy?" In a good way. 'Cause there are many times I mean it in a bad way.

And finally, a nod to an old friend-of-a-friend, Tom Casiello, nominated with the writing team for ONE LIFE. He may not remember hanging out together in NY, but I remember him back in his days as a PA on ANOTHER WORLD, and I'm pretty darn proud.

My Missing Post

Thanks to the fabulous and wonderful Bon, my missing post has been uncovered. It went like this:

Friday, February 03, 2006
New Orleans, pt. 1million
When I heard on the news yesterday that three tornadoes had blown through New Orleans, I thought it was a joke. I mean, come on. This isn't the midwest! These things don't happen in that part of the world. Right? And considering that the city is far from recovered from Katrina ... I can only imagine what that must feel like.

All I can think of is that song by Depeche Mode: "I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours/But I think that God's got a sick sense of humour ..."

At some point I just started laughing at the absurdity of it. Because, frankly, I'm just tired of crying.

posted by Tracy @ 10:47 PM


Thanks, Bon!

In Memory Of

Charlyn Catherine Ahmed Quaglino
1965-2006

A little blog help?

All of you out there in blogland ... I did a post within the last week about the tornadoes in New Orleans. I know I did it. And I know it got read at least once because my dear friend ~D read it and had trouble commenting on it so she put the comment under a different post.

So ... um ... where did it go?

Anyone who has any thoughts on what I might have done to cause that ... please drop me a line. I'm really lucky I've gotten this far without assistance. :)

Thanks!