Limbo

For as long as I can remember, I've been a planner.

Not necessarily the list-making kind. But in my head - always planning. Next steps. And then next. And next. My mind is always several steps ahead of wherever I actually am at any given moment.

And for as long as I can remember, whenever I've gotten hit with anything (good, bad or downright tragic) that interferes with the plan ... after taking a day or two (max three days) to wallow, I create a new plan.

I'm really flexible that way.

But it helps. I need the structure. I need to know the next steps.

I hate not knowing.

Since my father died, my entire life has been in limbo. Just the coping part has been rough enough, but there is literally so much unfinished business that I've been feeling completely at sea for months on end.

I've never been without a plan for more than a few days. Five months is making me a little ... crazy.

And yesterday, when I found out that this has dragged on for five months for no other reason than the fact that the person I hired to tie up the loose ends just essentially forgot about me as a client? I had a complete meltdown.

I don't know about you (the handful who read), but sometimes a good meltdown can be not just cathartic but a little clarifying. So I do feel a little better today.

But I'll feel a HELL of a lot better when I get that piece of paper that ties up all the loose ends and we're free to make some Life Decisions.

Happy Anniversary.

Has it been three years already?

Three down, a lifetime to go. :)

What a week.

This is weird - so much to say, and no clue where to start. This is where I wish I had actual writing skills - like being able to cut through the extraneous stuff and find the meat of the story.

Many of you know that last year I decided to try to pay a little attention to my much-neglected acting "career"; I kicked it off by doing CD workshops and an industry showcase.

At the time, I had joked - some days with a little more edge than others - that I was the only person who did one of those showcases to not get ANYTHING from them - not a call, not a meeting, NADA.

Fast forward to 2008. Everything that happened with my father ... obviously life took a detour.

This summer the idea of "getting back into it" has been rolling around in my brain - and I am doing something, by producing a little film (coming soon, honest!) But I have such a ... lack of energy. Malaise. Complete and utter lack of desire to get off my ass and do ANYTHING. Everything is an effort.

Can we say "stuck in grief mode"? I knew that you could. So, first things first, I'm getting some help for that. (Hello, Universe? I admit I need help.)



I'll back up just a few weeks, when I was at that same showcase. I ran into a friendly acquaintance, who I won't name just 'cause this may end up sounding weird. He is a neat guy, an amazing actor (and always working), and quietly intense. We got to talking, and I even ended up talking about my dad a little, and my need for some quiet time to get my head on straight again. And he gave me a big bear hug, and laughed a little, and told me to enjoy that quiet time. And then he looked me straight in the eyes deep into my soul and - while I can't quote him exactly - the gist of it was "enjoy it while you can, because things are coming for you." It was this weird, random, prophetic moment that I didn't exactly take seriously but it was so unsettlingly intense in tone that I didn't even mention it to anyone.

I don't know if I'm explaining it right. :)

Anyway. Now it's this week. And on Tuesday, there was an earthquake.



And I think that earthquake jarred something loose, because within 10 minutes my phone rang. And I was being offered a job. An acting job. Not an audition. A job.

Of course, skeptic that I am, I had to do some due diligence on these people because the number of red flags that went up in this initial phone call were ... plentiful.

So, yesterday - on what would be my mother's 76th birthday - I shot a scene for a pilot. Directed by Jerry Zucker.

Hello, Universe?

You have my attention now.

PS - Why did they even have my headshot in the first place? Oh, it's been sitting in their files since one of their scouts saw me at ... that industry showcase.

Yup.