Last night I mourned.

Nearly two weeks after my friend Charlyn died, I finally let myself feel it.

When I first got the call, Maria and I cried ... but only briefly, because it was really hard to talk through that. Plus old habits kick in and we both dealt with it the best we could: change of subject and laughter.

I had hoped I could make the service. I know a last-minute flight anywhere can be problematic, but I suspect fewer flights to NO post-Katrina didn't aid in that. So, not an option.

Those of us who went to college together and are out here in LA decided it might be wise to have some sort of memorial here. Closure. Something. I thought maybe then I could finally feel something, because it still doesn't feel real to me.

I'm not sure what I expected or hoped for, but what I got was an afternoon of six old friends getting together, catching up and reminiscing. Which is a beautiful thing, and frankly something we should do more often, but ... not necessarily what I needed.

I left there still not feeling much of anything, and I had an opportunity to meet Dick for dinner with some friends (our friend John's birthday dinner), so I thought - why not? I had left it open in case I was emotionally drained and just didn't feel like it, but since I wasn't feeling anything, I may as well have dinner.

I'm not sure what happened. I can't explain it. All I know is that I started feeling out of place. Disconnected. And after appetizers I had to excuse myself and leave. In the parking lot, I lost it. And finally all of the grief came rushing out.

Charlyn was such a beautiful woman. Inside and out. Of course, all of the Ahmed women are or were - definitely some good DNA there. She was - at least in the early days of our little group - the glue that held us together.

She was smart, and funny, and oh my gosh could be stubborn. She was a true-blue loyal friend, and you were always glad she was on your side. I was all of 16 years old when I met her, and she never treated me as a kid.

I don't understand why she had to get sick. I don't understand why she had to go so young. I don't understand why we can put a man on the moon but can't stop cancer from spreading.

I'm sad and angry and a hundred other things. But feeling is so much healthier than the alternative.