Bad Theatre Etiquette

How NOT to behave in a theatre.

Dick and I went to Pacific Resident Theatre (my new favorite non-Ark Theatre, but that'll be a separate post), and had ... well, quite an experience.

It was opening weekend, and on Sunday night, the theatre was about half-full. If that. At just about curtain time, this woman rushes in, obviously relieve to have just made it. She scans the available seating, and sits Right Next To Me.

And starts talking to me.

"I can't believe I made it! I had to take five freeways to get here. I ended up practically in Northridge. I had bad directions ....." (For those who don't know, PRT is in Venice. I'd say those are bad directions.)

"Well, you're here now," I say, guardedly friendly, as I already have a not-so-good feeling.

Then CW ("crazy woman") says, "I wonder if I have enough time to go to the bathroom."

A woman who Dick and I assume to be the director (you know how you can generally just tell?)is sitting right in front of us. She swings around and says, "Yes. Go now."

CW says "Oh, but they're about to start."

Director says, "I know, but go now."

"Oh, but she [the house manager] said no."

Director says, "Go."

CW says, "Oh, no, it'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll be fine. It'll be fine."

Fine. House Manager comes out and gives her curtain speech, at the end of which, CW *raises her hand* and says, "Do I have time to go to the bathroom?

Simultaneously, director swings around again and says "Yes," and House Manager says "No." HM of course defers immediately to the director.

CW says, "Oh ... never mind."

Director says, "It's an hour and ten minutes til intermission. Go now."

CW says, "No, no, it'll be fine, I'll be fine, never mind."

House manager clears the stage, the director takes out her cell phone to make sure it's off, the house lights dim, the music begins. CW sees the cell phone light and says - IN FULL VOICE - TO THE DIRECTOR - "Um, could you turn your cell phone off please?"

Director swings around and just stares.

I turn and stare, briefly, and then just squeeze Dick's hand. I'm also starting to think that I want to make sure at some point that everyone around us knows that SHE IS NOT WITH US.

About 10 minutes in, she TAPS THE SHOULDER OF THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF HER, and asks - in a loud whisper - if she could move her head because she's in the way. The woman slowly turns to look, gives her an "Are you out of your effing mind?" look, and gestures to the entire right side of the house which is empty.

I have now cut off circulation to Dick's hand.

Now. During the course of the play, the folks behind us start whispering commentary during the play. Not a lot, and not loudly, but enough to be a little annoying. Had CW not been making me nuts through the whole thing, I might have noticed and been annoyed, but really everything being equal, it seemed minor.

But not to CW. She spins around and, in a loud whisper, says "Could you please stop talking? That's very rude." They laugh.

Intermission rolls around. She swings around and starts telling them off for being so unspeakably rude as to talk through the play. They tell her, "Oh, shut up." She goes even more ballistic and storms off to see the house manager.

Now. Was she right that the people behind us were being rude? Absolutely. However, when you've already committed THE SAME SIN, you really have no leg to stand on with your indignation.

I was hopeful that upon our return, CW would have found another seat. No dice. The people behind us, however, opted to move elsewhere.

CW starts asking me, "Do you think that was too much? Was I too mean? I mean, they were really rude, right? Was I too much?" Of course I want to yell "Yes!" but instead I demur that well, certainly they shouldn't have been talking. "Exactly!" she says, "So was I too much?" I'm now laughing - I can't speak. I'm some combination of stunned, amused and disgusted and it's manifesting itself in uncontrollable laughter. She says, "Well, I guess your not answering is an answer."

She leans over me and says to Dick, "What about you?" Finally he says something along the lines of "Well, no, they shouldn't have been talking," to try and shut her up.

Luckily Act II begins. We manage to get through the whole act without incident.

After curtain call, the house lights resume, and CW immediately turns to me and begins again with, "So do you think that was too much? Was I too mean?" I looked at her and said, "I just don't know why my opinion is so important to you."

That threw her. "Well ... uh ... Well it's not that, I just, you know, didn't want to shock you."

"It's fine," I said, "nothing shocks me."

I would like to add, as a sort of footnote, that she stayed for the party, enjoying the food and wine, in spite of the fact that she didn't actually know anyone.

Yes, Dick and I stayed as well, but we were actually invited. :) More on that later.