Post-Christmas

I don't even know where to start. I woke up at about 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep, so I'm exhausted. I feel like crap, physically and emotionally. My appetite is gone all to hell in a handbasket. And I've got so much on my mind that it's going to be an effort to try and not ramble here.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be born into a "normal" family. A family where people actually like each other and WANT to be together.

I'm sure many people think that. If not most.

And in terms of dysfunction ... I don't have it so bad. And I know that.

But I am SO disconnected. From my entire family. I don't want to be, necessarily, but I am. Always have been. I spent my entire life connected to my family - close or distant - through my mother. Being with my mother. Having my mother put me on the phone with them. Hearing updates on their lives through my mother.

And that was fine. I didn't feel like I was missing anything. My friends have always been my "family".

Once I lost my mother, my closest connection to the family is now my father. In fact, he is my ONLY real family connection.

Did I mention that my main connection to my father was through my mother as well? Even though they were happily married and I grew up in a house with both of them?

So we tried very late in life to start a real relationship. Neither of us has done a bang-up job. We both tried very, very hard in the months after my mother died, but since then ... not so much.

Don't get me wrong: my mother and I didn't have an easy relationship. But fight as we did, we at least said what was on our minds.

I can't with him. You can't have a discussion or an argument with my father, because you will never win. You will never agree to disagree. He's right, and not only are you wrong, you're a moron.

And those are just some of the issues.

Is it possible to be nursing an emotional hangover?